The Four Walls

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DrippingColors
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The Four Walls

Post by DrippingColors » Wed Mar 25, 2020 12:38 pm

Tales from the Front
Chapter 4: The Four Walls

I get depressed. I tire easily. I get distracted and procrastinate endlessly. But I don't get bored. Well, I get bored when I am confined to a chair and forced to listen to something boring. Teacher's meetings were really boring. It's one of the reason I am no longer in education. Church and temple are boring to me. It's one of the reasons I was never religious. But life at home is never boring. I've been working at home for the better part of twenty years, I have my art studio and a small woodshop. I like to cook and work in the kitchen. I don't mind folding laundry or doing basic household chores. I like fixing things like broken screen doors and organizing the junk drawer in the hallway. I guess the strangest thing is that I like to do all those projects simultaneously. When it works, I'm golden. When it doesn't, I'm scattered and lost.

Hearing a lot about people getting cabin fever these days. It's cold and damp. Family members are suddenly forced to give up all of their comfortable routines and spend an inordinate amount of time together. And it's not the cozy kind of stranded, like being snowed in. It's a worrisome time, with the threat of sickness or possible death looming large if one wanders out too far. The availability of food, medicine and paychecks are uncertain. The very foundations of our existence are being called into question.

And there's no sports.

I'm pretty lucky. I have a small plot of land in an area that has more than enough pharmacies, grocery stores and take out restaurants. Green Chef still drops off gourmet ingredients at my doorstep. Even the monthly delivery of locally produced dog food continues. Two neighbors have brought over baked goods. The kids live a couple of miles away in a duplex so we're empty nesters. After more than a year of struggling, my new garage studio is 90% done. It's fully functional except for the plumbing, which is now, I guess, delayed indefinitely. But it's a few short steps away from the house. I can navigate over the mud on a plywood walkway and enter my own private space. I am greeted by it's smooth concrete floor, shiny new windows and sparking clean white walls. I can enjoy quiet and solitude or crank the tunes up as loud as I want. I wasn't sure if I would miss putting a television in there, but now find I am grateful to take a break from the constant bad news.

Of course, no one is spending any money on art now and Michele's job, which she has been doing at home for the last week, is funded by tax dollars that are a bit tight these days. But even if we have to cancel some things and cut out extras, we are still very fortunate. I'm well aware that others are not so lucky. But we all feel the strain. And there's the guilt of not really suffering when others are.

I had a sore throat and Michele has a recurring cough. I'm sure we each spent a few minutes thinking we were infected. It's easy to be restless at night. I've bought enough cold medicine to treat Washington's army at Valley Forge. There's that weird dance we are all learning to do as we navigate our way through aisles at the store, trying to maintain a safe distance from strangers and employees. No, after you. No. no you were here first. Did the guy behind me just cough up some viral mucus and not cover his mouth? I gotta get home. But when you return, you're back staring into the abyss. Hoping people are putting the sharp cutlery away. Relationships are going to be tested. And we're just at the beginning of this thing. What happens if we really have to start sacrificing?

I have found that gnawing questions about past decisions and regrets are hard to avoid when idle. One would think just getting through this plague would be worry enough, but in fact, the mind has it's own road map. Depression sneaks up and squeezes your chest with its ungloved hand. What do I have to show for all my years on this earth? Why did I say that one thing? How could I be so stupid? Have I missed my chance at success and happiness? Thinking about it gives me a headache. Then I imagine I'm getting the Corona. Then I seem like a neurotic hypochondriac and get depressed again. I feel like Jimmy Stewart in "A Wonderful Life." I just want my old life back. I'll never take things for granted again, I promise. I want to live again.

Not long ago, I was feeling focused and empowered. I walked tall and looked people squarely in the eye. It seemed like strangers saw my positivity and would smile and greet me on the street for no reason. I began acting on instinct, without second thoughts. I tried new things and reconnected with people and places that were significant to me. I proceeded to draw and paint with a renewed purpose. I made slight changes in my appearance, letting my remaining hair go wild. I started wearing colorful, fun clothing. I painted my shoes and put on red socks every morning, reminding myself to cherish each day as an opportunity for adventure and endless possibilities.

I need to have jubilation, mystery and adventure in my life. I need my soul to sail on the sultry salt air. I need to wake up with a fire in my belly, chomping at the bit to hit the ground running and seize the day. I want to dance on the mountaintops, looking down on creation, and bring everyone I can along with me. Even if it's beyond any reasonable expectation, I'll still dream of rocketing through the galaxies. I hear the view up there will take your breath away. I wonder If I'll ever feel that way again.

But I try and find things to do, nonetheless. Stay busy. It's the only way to avoid the dark inner demons. It's aggravating. It's horrifically scary. It's redundant. But if you keep at it, it's never boring.
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Last edited by DrippingColors on Wed Mar 25, 2020 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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KC.Jones
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Re: The Four Walls

Post by KC.Jones » Wed Mar 25, 2020 2:06 pm

Well said, Michael. I'm experiencing many of those same feelings at this very moment, and I am willing to bet most everyone else also is. The new studio looks great!

:grouphug
You ain't gonna learn what you don't wanna know

Boxorain
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Re: The Four Walls

Post by Boxorain » Wed Mar 25, 2020 6:44 pm

Completely Understood. I’ve had borderline routine panic attacks for nearly two months now. Started w/ a very stressful family situation, then this 🍺 virus kicked things inyo hyperdrive for obv reasons. In addition, my business and family lifeline is in an utter tailspin due to recent events and the future looks bleak. With 3 ladies fully dependent on you, who have the utmost confidence in their dad / husband...well, it can get a tad overwhelming. There’s really only one solution, one truth. Either align with the ‘thinking mind’ and allow that to bring you down the most fearful of roads...or....to continually remind yourself to align with this very exact moment. Where there really is never a problem.

I’m trying to adopt the attitude of approaching this time period as one of great opportunity for personal growth. Awareness. I’d urge everyone to take 20 minutes and watch the following video from Eckart. I’ll post a picture of where to find it as I don’t know how to post a video. Maybe our pal KC could do us the honors?

One day at a time TN...that’s no cliche
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‘Yeah, there were drugs in our history, but that certainly wasn’t what we were about. But for some people, that is what we were about. I think those folks pretty much missed what we were about’

LostSailor
Posts: 692
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2015 8:18 pm
Location: Sea Level

Re: The Four Walls

Post by LostSailor » Wed Mar 25, 2020 8:34 pm

A short while back the door flung wide
We all saw good luck on the other side
The door blew shut but here's the deal
Dreams are lies, it's the dreaming that's real

What’s new is old, what’s old is gone
You’re pushed up to the edge, so put your wingsuit on

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KC.Jones
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Location: Cleveland

Re: The Four Walls

Post by KC.Jones » Wed Mar 25, 2020 8:39 pm

Boxorain wrote:
Wed Mar 25, 2020 6:44 pm
Completely Understood. I’ve had borderline routine panic attacks for nearly two months now. Started w/ a very stressful family situation, then this 🍺 virus kicked things inyo hyperdrive for obv reasons. In addition, my business and family lifeline is in an utter tailspin due to recent events and the future looks bleak. With 3 ladies fully dependent on you, who have the utmost confidence in their dad / husband...well, it can get a tad overwhelming. There’s really only one solution, one truth. Either align with the ‘thinking mind’ and allow that to bring you down the most fearful of roads...or....to continually remind yourself to align with this very exact moment. Where there really is never a problem.

I’m trying to adopt the attitude of approaching this time period as one of great opportunity for personal growth. Awareness. I’d urge everyone to take 20 minutes and watch the following video from Eckart. I’ll post a picture of where to find it as I don’t know how to post a video. Maybe our pal KC could do us the honors?

One day at a time TN...that’s no cliche
I can't get the video to embed, but if you click this link you can watch the video Boxorain's talking about

https://videos-fms.jwpsrv.com/content/c ... b6cdd2a083
You ain't gonna learn what you don't wanna know

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KEZHEAD
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Location: Suburbs of Philly

Re: The Four Walls

Post by KEZHEAD » Thu Mar 26, 2020 1:46 am

DrippingColors you sure do have a way with words man :clap
I wish I was that creative with the written word
I have thoughts in my head but I have difficulty translating them to paper
I’m much better with verbal communication

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DrippingColors
Posts: 547
Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2014 12:36 pm
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Re: The Four Walls

Post by DrippingColors » Fri Mar 27, 2020 6:20 pm

KEZHEAD wrote:
Thu Mar 26, 2020 1:46 am
DrippingColors you sure do have a way with words man :clap
I wish I was that creative with the written word
I have thoughts in my head but I have difficulty translating them to paper
I’m much better with verbal communication
Thx for reading Kez. Never know how my posts will be received. Appreciate your support!

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